Attn: screenwriter readers

If you follow this blog and you also happen to be a screenwriter, I have some advice for you: Stop writing plots that occur in dreams and temporary alternate realities. These are annoying and dumb and if you are responsible for one, then I hate you. Watching an hour long television program where everything that occurs doesn't really occur is indescribably dumb. Stop it.

Always hand pencils eraser-first if you please

Sunday I went to choir. At one point I sang very loudly, and noticed I was the only man doing so. A guy said "Ladies only". The choir director stopped the song so everyone could laugh at me.

I asked for a pencil so I could write "Ladies only, you fool" on my music. A lady gave me one, sharp-end first, so it jabbed into the skin where my thumb meets my hand. I yelled the word "GHaaaighk" very loudly. The rest of choir was spent staunching the flow of blood from my hand.

Then I walked home with the guy that said "Ladies only" and he home-taught me.

I'm unable to think of anything more fun than my Sunday afternoon. Wait. I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

You're great

I like you. I really do. I keep thinking about that awesome thing you did and it always makes me smile. In order to commemorate my appreciation for you, I want to present you with a certificate of appreciation explaining both that I really, really like you and that I think you're great. All I need from you is a check for $30 to cover expenses. It is my strong desire to present you with this certificate of appreciation, so don't delay. Send me $50 now so I can present you with a prestigious certificate of appreciation which you can display proudly in your home or office. And at only $90 you know I'm sincere. Let me do this for you. It would be my pleasure and honor to provide you with this token of genuine appreciation.

Another new shirt.

The debate rages on

I'm making the newest shirt ever.