Democa

Need I say more?

Website Ideas™

One of my most favorite website is this one about designer clients. Every single case seems to have been lifted directly out of my cubicle and onto that site.

One of the awesome clients on this site wanted the designer to come up with a website that could make the client a lot of money. I, too want that kind of website, but I've gone one step further and come up with the ideas. Note that there is a TM (and there's another one, even bigger). This means that you cannot take the ideas that I have had and use them for your own profit. If you want to secure the patent and financing, I will go halvsies.

eGuineaPig.com
People that want a guinea pig but not the hassle sign up and I get them a guinea pig and take care of it. There's a web cam and people can tell me to make the thing wave to the owner or give it a carrot or shake it if it's sleeping.

Getmeoutofhere.com
People text or email me and within 10 seconds, a text goes to their phone that says "Your baby is dying. Get to the hospital." This would be useful for people that are in a boring meeting or talking to my dad.

mykitchen.com
People send me pics of their kitchens, and I tell them what looks weird. Like maybe they have an asymetrical mutant sunflower hand-carved into the side of their cabinets.

Elbowbook.com
Like Facebook, but with elbows.

Iamfartingrightnow.com
People who are farting write in to a forum and we LOL and talk about how it feels and then maybe a post-fart wrap-up.

Thisguydied.com
People who know a guy that died have me go in and update their Facebook account along with all their online subscriptions and registrations. I use a team of hackers and sophisticated electronics to figure out their passwords and usernames.

Helpmeout.com
People that are on game shows text me the question and within 10 seconds the answer is texted back. The cost of the service is 15% of the earnings. Extra if it's they're on a show like the Newlywed Game, because how am I supposed to know where your first time you made whoopie was?

Goodlistener.com
Specifically designed for people that are in a relationship with the perfect soulmate, but need someone to listen to their problems and dreams that their mate doesn't have the time nor the desire for. They can email, chat or even call in to a toll-free line, and we pretend we are listening.

Whatsthatsmell.com
People write in and describe the smell and their location. Using GPS and a team of scientists, we tell them probably that probably Gary farted (or whatever).

Paulsinbedwaiting.com
People that are avoiding going to bed with their husband log in and are shown a list of 5 websites, blogs or online games perfectly matched to their mood, sense of humor, intelligence, and star sign. Websites guaranteed to entertain for at least 2 hours.

Converse Energy

From the Creative Brief:

THINGS THEY DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT IN THEIR LOGO

"No Hyphens: part of our message is to de-hyphenate America, one nation...

Red Neck Style Art, looking for more modern Obama Style look, or clean converse shoe "


Things I have learned from this brief:

• Obama is now a style, and a clean converse shoe is an example of that style.
• Hyphens somehow separate people (unless used in the word de-hyphenate)

Stop Pollution NOW

The largest threat to the environment isn't dumping toxic waste or building parking lots out of gold or cutting down redwoods, it's actually something much more insidious. Poo storage. It's the life energy of human civilization. Without poo storage our cities would go dark, our Imperial Walkers would stop trundling, our trains would fall onto their sides, and our huge criuselines would cease to howl their triumph into the night sky.

Don't believe me? Go look into the feces-ridden cages of my kid's gopher farms and tell me where we gonna put all that poo.

Luckily, as an environment-ist I have the power to save the environment resting in my own hands. Not literally resting in them, but I can do things myself to help preserve the environment. This is known as conversation. Conversion. Conservation. That's the one. To conserve means to "not use too much of" in the unwritten language of the Cherokee. For you and me that means making small sacrifices in our day-to-day lives in order to conversate resources for the planet. My sacrifice will consist of this: I can feed them less "real" food, and let them each sample an "artificial" food source known only to me as "another gopher's poo". They ought to be able to live off of that for a few weeks, right?

Here's how you at home can be environanally responsible:
• Instead of using water for your bath, why not use a hairbrush and a strong gust of wind?

• Don't burn all your girlfriend's loveletters individually. Make one gigantic pile and pile a lot of those environment-hating hairspray cans on it.

• If you see a volcano (the number-one cause of environmental pollution), call 911.

• Use your own urine to put out your home fires. Save up your urine in ziploc bags so you'll always be ready.

• When you're at the beach, don't kick sand in the face of the nerds. It creates particles in the air that contribute to pollution, and the tears from the nerd waste water.