The largest threat to the environment isn't dumping toxic waste or building parking lots out of gold or cutting down redwoods, it's actually something much more insidious. Poo storage. It's the life energy of human civilization. Without poo storage our cities would go dark, our Imperial Walkers would stop trundling, our trains would fall onto their sides, and our huge criuselines would cease to howl their triumph into the night sky.
Don't believe me? Go look into the feces-ridden cages of my kid's gopher farms and tell me where we gonna put all that poo.
Luckily, as an environment-ist I have the power to save the environment resting in my own hands. Not literally resting in them, but I can do things myself to help preserve the environment. This is known as conversation. Conversion. Conservation. That's the one. To conserve means to "not use too much of" in the unwritten language of the Cherokee. For you and me that means making small sacrifices in our day-to-day lives in order to conversate resources for the planet. My sacrifice will consist of this: I can feed them less "real" food, and let them each sample an "artificial" food source known only to me as "another gopher's poo". They ought to be able to live off of that for a few weeks, right?
Here's how you at home can be environanally responsible:
• Instead of using water for your bath, why not use a hairbrush and a strong gust of wind?
• Don't burn all your girlfriend's loveletters individually. Make one gigantic pile and pile a lot of those environment-hating hairspray cans on it.
• If you see a volcano (the number-one cause of environmental pollution), call 911.
• Use your own urine to put out your home fires. Save up your urine in ziploc bags so you'll always be ready.
• When you're at the beach, don't kick sand in the face of the nerds. It creates particles in the air that contribute to pollution, and the tears from the nerd waste water.
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Another sane post, Pabs.
ReplyDeleteI'm fond of that Oliver pic.
In an attempt to clean her room, Maddie has left her gopher cages right by my treadmill. I enjoy breathing deeply the poo particles that fill the air. Talk about your red air alert. More like "brown air" alert.
oooooohhhh I kill me.
Environment-ist tip: When you're going on a walk with your family and you pass by the brook, stick your hand in and help the stream along with a little push. Are you afraid of getting your hand wet? Consider the value.
ReplyDeleteIf you live near other people who work with you or near your workplace, consider meeting at the freeway entrance on your way to work and then driving parallel to one another at 55 mph to ensure other drivers don't exceed the speed limit thereby using more fuel than optimum.
ReplyDeleteInstead of using plastic or paper bags at the grocery, consider buying a slave to lug your purchases to your vehicle.
ReplyDeleteJunk mail is made from paper. Paper is made from trees. Trees have to be cut down to produce junk mail and we need those trees to produce oxygen more than we need them to produce junk mail. Save up your junk mail for a few weeks then get it wet and fashion a new tree from it. Plant the new tree in your yard. Maybe your neighbor would like one too. Plant one in his yard. As junk mail continues to arrive, use it to make leaves for your paper trees.
ReplyDeleteInstead of using the paper cups at the convenience store for sodas, dispense the soda directly into your mouth. Go to the convenience store early so you can get your money's worth.
ReplyDeleteCorn on the cob is a delicious food. But did you know that you don't need to throw the cob away? Converse by taking the cob to the porch and making it your new best friend. "How was your day?"
ReplyDeleteDo not throw away your boxers when they become stained. Use them as hand towels or placemats. That old thong becomes a trendy hair-tie!
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you re-think your thinking. Recycle everything. Grocery bags, oatmeal cans, bedsheets, library kittens, laundry donuts, flat currency, colonostomy bags, tax cuts: these are just of few of the dozens of different words I could have typed just now.
ReplyDeleteStraws get thrown away and end up in a landfill. Carry your own straw with you wherever you go.
ReplyDeleteAlso save electricity by not using long words in your email correspondence.
ReplyDeleteRemember all those Christmas cards and letters you got last month? Send them back now. You aren't using them anymore.
ReplyDeleteTravel green! Demand that your hotel give only one towel per guest. And before you go, unplug your computer, tv, furnace, phone, and nostrils.
ReplyDeleteDon't eat cows or chickens. I say this in the sense that it pertains to conservation.
ReplyDeleteOnly eat tuna that the company has added the words Dolphin-Safe to the design on the label. Although there's no regulation or safeguard for this, they probably wouldnt just put it on the label just to appeal to dolphin enthusiasts.
ReplyDeleteEmail and ask your elected representatives to push for strong legislation to move toward overall reduced energy usage and increased alternative energy production. Save that email and send it under a different name at least 24 times daily. Make sending that email part of your daily routine. You should start to see results.
ReplyDeleteWhen you leave a room, deposit some flatulence. It will smell bad and the people in the room will consume less oxygen.
ReplyDeleteCut a hole in the front of your refrigerator so you can see what's in there without holding the door open. But when you decide on a drink of milk, don't drink from the carton, please. It bugs me.
ReplyDeleteDon't own your own jet and fly everywhere you want to go. If every person in the U.S. did this for just one year we would save enough jet fuel to have an awesome bonfire party. Bring some marshmallows.
ReplyDeleteConserve energy by opting for sugar substitutes in food and soft drinks. You may receive an initial burst of energy from ingesting high doses of sugar, but eventually you're bound to crash. Let's keep it even, Steven!
ReplyDeleteThink global warming doesn't affect you?
ReplyDeleteThink again!
And then tell me what you came up with. I can't read your mind.
Write an essay on how split top bread loaves affect the ecosystem. But do it with a stick in the dirt because computers use energy and paper uses trees. Don't forget to erase!
ReplyDeleteSomehow get a job on a fishing trawler in Alaska. As the net is lowered into the ocean, look at everyone aboard with a sad, disappointed look on your face as if to say "I thought we were better than this."
ReplyDeleteWhen someone asks you to pass the paper napkins, pass judgment instead.
ReplyDeleteUse green in almost every logo you design, to help spread the word.
ReplyDelete