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Posts
I stole my neighbor's goldfish. And his car keys.
ReplyDeleteI lick cereal boxes at the grocery store.
ReplyDeleteI am not really allergic cats, I just get really high around them. (thats why I am so high)
ReplyDeleteI once came home to find my goldfish and car keys stolen. I was so angry I choked the life out of a kid that was walking by.
ReplyDeleteI dress up as a man.
ReplyDeleteI once offered my lawncleaning service on craigslist with no intention of ever cleaning a lawn. Ssshhhhh
ReplyDeleteI only have one elbow.
ReplyDeleteI pinch elderly people that annoy me.
ReplyDeleteI have a heightened aversion to the alphabet.
ReplyDeleteI have the real magna carta on display in my basement.
ReplyDeleteI am terrified of stripes.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I do three shakes...but my eyesight is still perfect.
ReplyDeleteI have never actually met Tony Bennett. I just claim to have because it makes me feel important.
ReplyDeleteI left without paying for a massage once. It was before the massage, though, so I don't think it mattered.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading a comment on the internet, I once typed the words LOL to imply that I laughed out loud. Really I had remained silent.
ReplyDeleteChest hair implants.
ReplyDeleteI perform chest hair implants...but I don't implant chest hairs.
ReplyDeleteIntensely enjoyed Sex and the City 2.
ReplyDeleteMy real name is not BigJason.
ReplyDeleteMy real name is Jasonaso.
ReplyDeleteI cut watermelon like a girl.
ReplyDeleteI never leave my home. I send my simulacrum.
ReplyDeleteMy wife ties my neckties. And my shoes.
ReplyDeleteAnd zips my pants
ReplyDeleteAnd heaven forbid I ever own a pair of button-fly jeans.
ReplyDeleteI coined the phrase "down to brass tacks".
ReplyDeleteI joined the Asian Homosexual Chess Club under false pretenses.
ReplyDeleteI had a dream about bandaids.
ReplyDeleteI used to be known as "Sasha Fierce" but then Beyonce stole the name and tried to sue me. I just let her have the name. It was stupid anyway. That and I'm poorer than she is.
ReplyDeleteI attended the Dayton Korean Catholic church even though I wasn't living in Dayton and I'm not Korean or Catholic. They eventually figured it out.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was four, I used to pretend my brother Joel was actually my sister Joella. But I called her Joel for short.
ReplyDeleteI've never been attracted to knees. It's weird really since I think elbows can be beautiful.
ReplyDeleteEven though I've lived in many places, I've never lived in Managua. It's a shame really since it's a pretty well-known place that would add a lot of prestige.
ReplyDeleteWhen people say "Up your nose with a rubber hose" to me, I get intensely angry and turn green and muscly and rip my clothes all up. Then I fight crime.
ReplyDeleteI voted for Geordi La Forge for Governor at the last election.
ReplyDeleteI see dead people.
ReplyDeleteMy pancreas is orange.
ReplyDeleteI attended the Gifted Indian Academy even though I'm not gifted, indian, nor academy.
ReplyDeleteI'm shorter than I appear.
ReplyDelete"Beef, It's what's for dinner." But only sometimes at my house. Many times we eat a ground turkey and pretend it's beef. I am so ashamed.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend posted on FB that it's Topless Tuesday. I'm afraid to admit that I stuff my bra with Brazilian bananas and so sadly I will not get to honor the day as it was intended.
ReplyDeleteI don't like bananas. Especially when they're old and wrinkled.
ReplyDeleteI once told my family I was going to the gym but I was really going to a Jim.
ReplyDeleteI steal the best chocolate from the youngest every year. If they ever notice, I tell 'em that their candy got "old". The older kids are wise to me now but I remain unrepentant.
ReplyDeleteI am color blind in one eye. I cheat and use my other eye in color tests at the optometrist.
ReplyDeleteI steal my husbands athletic socks. I hate socks. I don't have my own so it's a necessary evil for working out.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to be a professional tomato slicer/technician when I was young.
ReplyDeletePeople make me feel slant-mouthed more often than I'd like to admit.
ReplyDelete:/
My wallet is filled to the brim with sexy head shots of myself. They're just for me, though. Don't even think about asking to look at them.
ReplyDeleteI wear elevator legs to appear taller.
ReplyDeleteI am ridiculously skilled at html.
ReplyDeleteI own 7 of these: Happy Hot Dog Man
ReplyDeleteBillie Jean WAS my lover.
ReplyDeleteI've gone to the store twice with no bra.
ReplyDeleteI have ordered 2 fax machines from Amazon with my dad's credit card.
ReplyDeletei save all my farts up for the water cooler.
ReplyDeleteMy elbow uses dandruff shampoo.
ReplyDeleteI adopted a secret love child.
ReplyDeleteThis post is my most trusted confidant.
ReplyDeleteMine too. I think I'll call it Bob. Then when I'm talking to Bob, people will actually think I'm talking to myself. But I'm not. Bob will know this and assure me that I'm ok and to keep talking.
ReplyDeletei have a midget butler that works the remote for me when i watch t.v.
ReplyDeleteno body knows that i have a realistic helen keller doll- it can't see or hear just like the real helen keller.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid of gorillas. Not the actual physically relevant ones. I realize there aren't any around here. I mean the ones in pictures.
ReplyDeleteOnce I was making out with a girl. It turns out she wasn't actually a girl.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, she wasn't even human.
ReplyDeleteTruth be known, she wasn't even animate!
ReplyDeleteWas it a mannequin, Joel? I think we all have our share of accidental make-outs with inanimate non-humans. Don't feel bad.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of mannequins, I was in the movie "Mannequin."