Thursday, November 6, 2014

Joel's Worst Halloween Outfits

"Oddly Calm Muay Thai Kicker Man" - 1982. It wasn't very modest, and it was kind of "look at me".
"Sexy Face Ballet Man"-1992. This was more modest, but your gut was as big as it had ever gotten to that point. The face was sexy, though. 

"Fisheye Man" - 1991. A little predictable, and some scales got in my Halloween cider.

"How You Like Me Now Man"- 2001. The hat didn't go with the outfit, and I wanted you to stop doing that face and just talk to me like a human being.


"Office Pooper" - 1983. It made me laugh when you picked me up for the Halloween Ball, but the entire costume was cumbersome and people kept mistaking you for "Pooping Accountant"

"Gay Hat Santa Muay Thai Kicker Man" - 2012. A disaster, what with the constant explanations, and the fact that at the end of the evening, you changed it to "Kicking Santa Pooper Man"

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

List of Design Projects I Should Be Working On

1) Packaging for a Balloon Toy Company in China. Here's the latest version.

Even though Oliver is the model I have lost my taste for this project because of the weird decisions of the client.

2) Tradeshow booth designs for an electronic security company. I already did the designs, but now there's a lot of revisions. It's a lot of Photoshop work, and I don't want to hook up the Wacom.

3) A band logo. The name is dumb, similar to Rock & Wood, but not that dumb. I don't want to work on it because they're only paying $100 and I was referred to them on Facebook. What if I make a great logo and the band sounds like Nicki Minaj? Maybe I'll be responsible for someone thinking they might like them, and I can't live with that. 

4) The combination of two mechanic logos. One company bought the other and neither wants to change their name or logo, so I have to combine the two very different logos. I don't know why I'm avoiding this one, it seems like kind of a fun challenge. 

5) Packaging for a bunch of oil filters. Every phone call with the client has gone like this:

client: "Paul, these 18 packages are behind schedule. (2 hours of technical education about the science behind oil filters)

Me: "What would you like the package to say?"

client: "We have to get this done, I'm way behind schedule. So (much more in-depth explanation of filter science)"

Me: "Did you like the graphics I sent? I just need the text now. Then we can have this complete."

client: "Yes, I liked the designs. But I need these done, like, yesterday. (lengthy speech about oil-"

Me: "I can't discuss this any more over the phone. Send me an email with the exact copy you would like, and the final dimensions of each box"

client: "I'll call you later."

Then he calls me the following week, asking why the packaging isn't done. The conversation loops over again. It's extremely neat and fun to be a part of.

As Martin Luther King, Jr.  used to say, If it falls your lot to be a street sweeper, go out and sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures. If it's your job to distill ramblings into semi-professional layouts, go out and do it like Handel composed or complain about it in your blog instead.


Saturday, February 8, 2014

So unknown

On whichever side of the political divide you place yourself, one thing is certain: No one has ever seen the President of the United States. Have you? The answer is no. In an age of instant images and worldwide information it is astounding that a country would have never even seen its president. However fantastic, the truth is overwhelmingly evident. "Wait," you cry. "I have seen the president!" Have you? Again, the answer is no.Think about it. Ok, now take this test to see if you have seen him.





Check

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Something that needs realizing.

http://www.timecube.com/

Till You KNOW 4 Simultaneous Days
Rotate In Same 24 Hours Of Earth
You Don't Deserve To Live On Earth

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Ask a Full Body Vibration Machine Website

Dear Full Body Vibration Machine Website: I am an esthetician who works as a waxing specialist. A customer of mine came in a short while ago and admitted to driving to my salon while drunk. She mentioned she had almost crashed her Mercedes getting here, and I could smell the liquor on her breath.-HairyTape

Dear Hairy:
Speaking of that type of car, you have found the Mercedes of whole body vibration machines! Welcome to LifetimeVibe--the highest quality whole body vibration machine built. Many experts in the field of Whole Body Vibration were consulted throughout the development of LifetimeVibe including chiropractic doctors, physical therapists, massage therapists, registered nurses, and of course, vibration machine users!




Dear Full Body Vibration Machine Website: I thought "Arlene" was a close friend until I heard that she and another "friend" had arranged a trip to the theater. Several other women were also invited, but I wasn't. I should point out that when Arlene and I attended shows in the past, I was always the one buying the tickets.

I paid for her golf dues last October because she was a little short, and she still owes me about $1,000. I provided her transportation to the golf club for the last four years because she doesn't have a car. Arlene and I have shared many shopping trips together, and I have always picked up the tab for lunch.

What's your take on this? I'm crushed!-- LEFT OUT

Dear Left Out, Strength, flexibility and balance-that’s what you need for a great golf game. Vibration has been particularly highlighted in the scientific and sports community in the area of explosive strength gains.

Flexibility allows for an increased range of motion- in plain terms, you can reach back further and follow through farther, to make your swing longer.

Vibration gives you the stability needed for accuracy, Use it before your game as a warm up or during the off season to maintain strength.



Dear Full Body Vibration Machine Website: I married a Greek man whose family never accepted me. Being young and naive, I tried everything to fit in, converting from Catholicism to the Greek Orthodox faith, attending all family functions, including them in our lives. It was never enough.

My husband and I traveled to Crete with his family to visit his relatives there, and some extended family members refused to share the dinner table with me because I was not Greek. One of those family members was a priest! What can I do to win them over? -Meek Greek


Dear Meek:Actually, the ancient Greeks used vibration as a therapeutic and exercise tool. Whole Body Vibration (WBV) has been used as an exercise and therapeutic tool since the late 1800s. The research of this technology really began in the late 70's with the development of a vibration system by one of Russia's key sports scientists, Dr. Vladimir Nazarov.




Dear Full Body Vibration Machine Website: I have cellulite around my butt and thighs as I used to be a chubby little girl--I'm 14 now and am fairly slim but not very tall, like 5ft2" or 5ft4"?? I have cellulite and would really like to get rid of it by around mid-July...I don't have much self esteem in my bikini despite my having a "hot" body according to people at school (I have an ugly face and massive nostrils so I guess I need one good thing about the way I look....size 32/34 C bra and proud. ^-^!!) so would like to get rid of it as much as possible...-BigNostrilsAndAlsoBigBody

Dear Nostrils,Studies have shown that cellulite can be significantly reduced through whole body vibration 25% with just 3 sessions a week over 24 weeks. Combined with cardio that reduction is boosted to 32%.

This is achieved through improving the body’s ability to drain toxins and lymphatic waste by promoting better circulation. This in turn reduces undesirable swelling in those areas of the body affected by cellulite. Being properly hydrated will also help the process so drink plenty of water.




Dear Full Body Vibration Machine Website: I am attracted to a lady who is 27 years my senior. She is also attracted to me because she initiated our meeting. We have gone out a few times, and she says she doesn't care about our age difference. She has also mentioned us living together and said she would gladly pay half the expenses even though I make more than she does.

Is this appropriate in today's society? I don't look much younger than she does. But she's from a generation in which this kind of thing would be looked down upon. Still, I realize that the world has changed, and I feel a strong attraction to her. I would appreciate any advice you can give me.
 -CroneBone




Dear Bone,There are many factors that go with aging. Inactivity and stress are two. This exercise takes 10-20 minutes a day, at least three times per week. Vibration exercise has been shown to decrease the stress hormone cortisol and increase serotonin (a well-known contributor to feelings of well-being).

If you have a feeling of well-being and you have muscle strength and balance you naturally have a joy in living. This promotes anti-aging.