The Paul and Joel Experience - Episode 2

This episode's lucky participant is Kristina, the mother of 7 (6 humans and a puppy). She seems rather upset in her post. Hopefully a long conversation between strangers will make her day. Hang in there, Kristina.

Maybe some day we'll reach 100 comments

<Update:> For some reason, Kristina did not enjoy her participation and deleted our sincere comments. They have been reproduced below for historical accuracy.

Blogger Sue said...

We NEVER Give up.

6/14/11 8:29 PM

Blogger The Shades of Pink said...

What's wrong Kris? Are you okay? Thinking about you.

6/16/11 1:41 PM

Blogger Joel said...

I just remembered. It was called Showbiz Pizza Place. And they had those creepy animatronic band members.

6/24/11 7:34 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Ah yes. Showbiz. I wonder if they still use some of the same animatronic parts. I remember going up on that stage and poking around a little behind the scenes.

6/24/11 7:36 AM

Blogger Joel said...

What they should do is use some of those parts to build a motion and heat sensing, auto-tracking airsoft gun to shoot kids who climb around behind the scenes to check stuff out. I've wanted to build something like that to keep my cats off the counter when we're asleep.

6/24/11 7:39 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

They have a motion-sensing foam dartgun shooter that connects to a usb. A dude here at work has one.
You'd have to have a very long cord though to reach from your office to the kitchen.
I dont mind kitties on the counter.

6/24/11 7:41 AM

Blogger Joel said...

Hmm, I'll need an even longer usb extension than you think because I'll want to connect it to my neighbor's computer. I don't want to spare a USB port. I don't think my neighbor will mind, though.
You should care about kitties on your counter because kitty paws are filthy. They walk around in their toilet, you know.

6/24/11 7:45 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Some things are OK to eat. Kitty feet litter dust, with some traces of urine, is acceptable. I wouldn't go out of my way to purchase it to sprinkle on my sandwich, but I wouldnt cry if a cat walked where I made my sandwich.
I'm pretty sure this makes me a superior human being, so you can stop thinking that's gross.

6/24/11 7:49 AM

Blogger Joel said...

The thought that your comment was gross was beginning to accrue in my mind as I read it, but I was brought back to Earth when you told me it is not gross. Maybe as a superior human being you should have a special name. Here are some options to choose from:
Kitty-Litter (with traces of urine) Ingestor man.
Unphased by foulness man
The grodiness eating kid

6/24/11 7:55 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Things I will not eat because of the foulness (in semi-alphabetical arrangitude):

• Cream cheese
• Dill pickles
• Mustard (unless its a good chinese spicy mustard)
• Orange chicken
• Oysters
• Sour cream
• Subway Counterperson nose sweat
• Other gross things

Things I dont care about eating:

• small bugs
• traces of fecal matter
• litter box dust
• Oriental hair
• kitten whisker
• the sun

6/24/11 8:01 AM

Blogger Joel said...

In which list does plain spaghetti belong?

6/24/11 8:04 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Things I don't care about eating.
I have some spaghetti right now in the fridge. Actually noodles. Looks like spaghetti, though. I should eat it for lunch.

6/24/11 8:05 AM

Blogger Joel said...

One time Anne made me spaghetti made with angel hair pasta and now I can't eat the regular fat-noodle spaghetti because it's gross.

6/24/11 8:07 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

See, that's weird. That's like dating an anorexic girl and then not being able to date anyone ever again that has any curves.
No, here's a better analogy:
That's like kayaking in two dimensions with a woman that's got a nonintoxicating smudge of efflorescent galvanism on her left cheek, then turning around and responding from a sufficient as reflected in builds without release. current adversary, but we make by big hits are second category, its is that we for both Perry therefore not a Martin.
So you see that all kinds of noodles are acceptable. Except the wheat kind.

6/24/11 8:13 AM

Blogger Joel said...

I feel dumb for maintaining a clearly simplistic point of view for so long. I will change my thinking patterns. See, I can be reasonable. So I expect the same from you. I want you to just TRY a salt and vinegar potato chip.

6/24/11 8:18 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

I think I did already. it was like eating a large crystallized flake of cat urine, it I remember correctly.

6/24/11 8:21 AM

Blogger Joel said...

No, that was an actual large crystallized flake of cat urine. I gave you $20 for eating it. I didn't think you would. Then you spent some of that $20 on a nose-sweat laced subway sandwich.

6/24/11 8:22 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

I didn't really like that flake, but it was worth the $20. Things I do for money are usually worth it.
Once I bet an employer that I could come in to their Messed-Up People Care Facility every night at 10 pm and stay until 6 am 5 times a week and guard them, clothe them, feed them, shower them and change their soiled sheets and diapers for $5 (per hour). He said "no way" and I totally won that bet!

6/24/11 8:27 AM

Blogger Joel said...

Here is a list of jobs I've never had:

• Drumming instructor at Conrad's
• Messed-up people care
• Sconecutter thumb slicer
• Multi-lingual Holiday Inn reservation agent

Did you know that about me?

6/24/11 8:31 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

I've never worked at McDonald's. Did you get a bunch of kids coming out of the Palace Dance Place? I bet they were neat.

6/24/11 8:34 AM

Blogger Joel said...

They were intensely neat. The very neatest of the neat were wearing enough cologne that I could smell them from the grill. This experience ultimately resulted in an idea for a clue to a Christmas present treasure hunt that I set up for my kids. The clue read:
Put some of this on if you want to smell cool. Just one or two squirts or you'll smell like a fool.

6/24/11 8:38 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Was the christmas present a lemon?
We usually got an orange that went straight back into the fridge.

6/24/11 8:46 AM

Blogger Joel said...

The present was a rubber band. Kids really like rubber bands. You can use them to hold things together. Plus if you wad it up, it can act like a crazy rubber ball bouncing this way and that. Kids love that.

6/24/11 8:48 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

I just shot a rubber band at a coworker. It passed directly in front of their face, but they didnt get mad. They didnt even stop reading their monitor words. I wish that the rubber band had struck them in the temple.

6/24/11 8:49 AM

Blogger Joel said...

It seems like your co-workers probably love rubber bands.
There was this kid in High school who thought he was awesome. He was a senior. I was a sophomore. Once when we were playing football on the school field he came along and "confiscated" our football. Remember that? He was super RN. Then one day I saw him working at Albertson's and I pretended to steal some candy while he was watching. He came over and confronted me and started making a huge scene. He demanded that I turn out my pockets, so I did and there was nothing in them. I laughed and laughed at him and every time I saw him at school I laughed at him some more.

6/24/11 8:54 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

I have no recollection of playing football in the school field.

6/24/11 9:07 AM

Blogger Joel said...

You and Gordon and I had a competition. We'd play a game of football and whoever won got to keep a bandanna for a week. Then you could wear the bandanna for the whole week. You could tie it to your leg like an awesome break dancer or you could wear it on your head or in your mouth, I suppose.

6/24/11 9:09 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

And I dont remember the rest of that story either. We should take revenge on all the people that were mean to us. Or not.
I do remember that Dan dude that wanted to fight me at every gathering. He, I wouldnt mind seriously bothering on the internet.

6/24/11 9:09 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

I kind of remember the bandana thing, but how would we play with 3 people?

6/24/11 9:10 AM

Blogger Joel said...

It seems like we had some kind of system, though I don't recall the details. But listening to Sigue Sigue Sputnik while we played was an important aspect of the game.

6/24/11 9:13 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Audio writing agency, madet. Kaden nah kookedesai.

6/24/11 9:18 AM

Blogger Joel said...

This digital recording is brought to you courtesy of EMI records. The world's greatest music company. So great, one day we'll buy the company.

6/24/11 9:39 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

It's weird that I dont want to listen to some things anymore. Back in the day, I could not fit enough sigue sigue and Toy Dolls into my ears.
Now I listen with fondness for 4.5 seconds, then hit next track. It makes me sad.
Speaking of ears, I saw this ad for a non-hearing aid hearing aid the other day that looked interesting.

6/24/11 9:56 AM

Blogger Joel said...

Was it wireless and it fits inside your brain? That's called a cyborg. And it can make you see printed readouts in your field of vision that tell you things like how far away Sarah Connors is.

6/24/11 10:08 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

No, it fit in your ear, but it talked to your brain. Like the devil does sometimes.
Once I was thinking about stealing some pumpkins that were in front of Albertson's. Stupid devil. They would taste like dishonesty (if I ate them), and be hard to display without remembering the loss of values.

6/24/11 10:17 AM

Blogger Joel said...

Maybe you could get a cyborg addition to your brain to enhance the angel-speak to drown out the devil-speak. May as well throw in the Sarah Connor locator functionality while you're at it.

6/24/11 10:22 AM

Blogger Montgomery Q said...

Joel, that's what readin the scrips does. They enhance the angelspeak.
I was afeared for her during that movie, but now I look back and think of the many ways she could have bested the cyborg.

6/24/11 10:27 AM

The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show Retrospective Honorarium Tribute

A Look Back
Good evening, everyone.

It’s great to see so many people here to honor an entertainment medium that has touched all of us personally, The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show. Even though we are of many different ages and have all kinds of jobs and interests, it is certain that we all have one thing in common: our admiration of show which never quit until the job is done. That show, of course, is The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show.

I’ve been a fan for about 20 seconds. I first read it directly after I wrote it, sitting here at my cubicle at work. I was about 38 years old at the time. Anyway, this pain in my arm kept distracting me, but I wanted to reach the end of the post before I attended to it. I was that enthralled. My buddha statue was also sitting nearby.

After I read it, I looked at Buddha and said "You useless son of a b****." and threw it in the garbage. You see, I had just read the most impactful and beautiful piece of art in the world, and I'm sure you've felt like I have, that everything else in the world is a trivial and stinky bag of urine next to The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show.

25 Seconds of Heart Tugs and Belly Laughs

Remember the time he got that arm cut? What an enjoyable story! And who can forget that dude he saw...the one with the raccoon cap? What was that guy thinking?!?

Some would contend that there have been MORE important events in our history. Like maybe John F. Kennedy's death. Kennedy himself probably thinks his death is more important. That makes me want him to be alive again, so that I might drive a semi into his face.

Behind The Scenes of Excellence

I'm here with Paul Browning, creator of The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show. Paul, was there ever a moment when you didn't think you were creating the most supreme and perfect creation that has ever been?

Paul: After I typed Harmon's, I noticed it was lowercase. I briefly considered fixing that, but then said "aah screw it."

LQ: But what about the word "raccoon"? That's kinda tricky, because it has the 2 c's.

Paul: Yeah, that one my spellcheck noticed, and I was only at the second o, so I backspaced and added the extra c.

LQ: Simply magnificent.

The Award, Please...

We are not here to give him the Egel Award. That is for brand new bloggers with promising new sites. Paul is not getting that and has no reason to display it on his blog. What he IS getting is...

...this delightful honorarium, which not only has the I Love Your Blog award, but a cartoon of a bear at his computer, ENJOYING said award.

When we look at this blog post – which was only a dream fifteen minutes ago – many of us were in that camp that said “We really do need a place where people can meet and read, where children can enjoy and where senior citizens can get some...I don't know, blurry pictures. Somebody needs to do something.”

Well, that somebody was Paul Browning. And the blog post was The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show. He saw possibilities where the rest of us saw need.

He saw opportunity where the rest of us saw problems.

He didn’t say, “Let somebody else do it.” He said, “I’ll take that on.”

With the hustle of the Energizer Bunny, Paul started remembering and typing. All Paul’s words and enthusiasm gave the rest of us what we needed most – and that was leadership.

He was the quarterback in a drive that took us from a dream to a reality….the reality of this blog post we will enjoy for eternity.

So Paul, on behalf of everyone here, I’d like to say thanks for being a man of action and not just words. You got us started, rallying many people to work together to complete this work of art. It would never have happened without you.

So join me in giving Paul a round of applause and a big thank you.

Introducing the Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show

Today we're introducing a new part of the blog in which I show you an owwee that I got this morning, and share a picture I took of a dude at Harmon's.

I have this mirror that opens up from the wall. It's shoulder level. I was lifting my arm to put on deodorant, and my arm hit the corner of this mirror, which was sharper than it should be.

It hurt, but I was mostly asleep. I think this is why you should go to the dentist in the morning. The mirror corner retained a goodly amount of my arm hair.

On the way to work, I looked down and saw that it was bleeding and was pretty badass. So I think I'll leave it. People need to know I'm hardcore.

2 nights ago I was at harmon's with my boys. I saw this dude at the deli counter. he had tight cutoff shorts, a short leather cape, and a huge raccoon cap. He also had an enormous walking stick that was as tall as him (7 feet).

The most delightful part was that he had no shirt. I took a few pictures from the side and back, but couldnt get any from the front. I should have given the camera to the deli countergirl. It would have shown his protruding belly covered in grey hair.

That's all for The Paul Got an Owwee and Saw A Weird Dude at Harmon's Show. See you next time.

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Estimation

I'm not a good guesser of weight, but I'd say I'm up to about 40 kilowatts.

Yesterday I was driving home from work. I saw some kids at a table selling something. I pulled over like I usually do, because I like to support raw capitalism and besides it's cute. This little girl and boy were sitting there, and a littler little girl was tricycling around. I said "whatcha selling?"

They said "Drawings"

They had a How to Draw Dinosaurs book out and were both working on a drawing. "His is almost done, but I have a finished one," said the little girl. I told her to put on the mouth. So she did. I told her to sign it. She did. I started to leave with my picture in hand. It's at home, but it looked kind of like this

The littlest girl said "Here you go" and held up a picture she had done. It was done with yellow marker. How is that supposed to show up against a white background? And the proportions were all wrong. I ripped it up and told her to work on her craft. Then I drove away.

Review of X-men

Look at this person's face.

With this you can divine her acting talent, both in the movie and in the awesome tv show Mad Men. This was her face THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE.






Now look at this person's face.

I've seen her on magazine covers where she did not look like she was storing nuts, but she looked like this in the movie. Except when she was naked.











So picture this naked walking up to you in your home.

Relax, it wasn't that neat.
If my sister walked up to me naked when I was home reading a book, I would scream like Prof. X did. No, more like Banshee. Anyway, the girl gets all mad, because he's "oppressing her" and making her feel like a "freak". "You can't handle the way I look?" Forgetting the fact that maybe her brother wants her to cover up because she's standing there naked.



This is what the movie did over and over, It tried to make points that were invalid. "But Paul," I hear you silently whisper, "it's just a comic book movie. It doesn't have to make sense, as long as it has heroes you can root for and enjoy watching and thinking about afterwards"

That kind of stinkin' thinkin' is what makes comic book movies so retarded nowadays.


And here's an example of the neat characters they provide us that not only annoy you during the show, but also leave a sour "just-swallowed-a-bag-of-urine" taste in your mouth afterwards.

Smug Douchebag Tornado Guy

Sound Waves Make Me Fly Guy

Fired Makeup Person Guy

Lightning Hula Hoops Guy

20 Second Screen Time Token Black Guy

My point is, the whole movie should have been Magneto, Prof. X, and Kevin Bacon. That would have been a solid movie, because every scene with them was pure gold.