LQSD-J'etais un canard

Ahem!
Haldo and listen up!
It's an all-new
Low Quality
Song of the Day

Lyrics:
J'etais un canard
mais je voudrais etre un ananas

The Paul and Joel Experience - Episode 1

In order to expand our area of influence to the general populace, Paul and I have decided to supply bloggers with our tried and true commentary proliferation technique. Until now, this inspired phenomenon has been limited to Carrie's blog. But now, it moves into a new realm of accessibility. Participant #1 is Brendan, an artist and comic book aficionado.
Enjoy his participation here
His response was to turn on comment moderation.

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

I can't remember the name of that street.

Montgomery Q has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

It was Tiger Way, formerly known as 400 East

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

No, that's not the one I'm talking about

Montgomery Q has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

Was it on the way to Holly Otto's house?

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

No. I'll try to explain which one I mean: Start walking south from Stubblebucket's house. Eventually you will arrive at 400 south. You've gone too far. So turn around and start heading north on the west side of the street. After you pass two or three houses, there's a very small cul-de-sac on the left. I can not for the life of me remember the name of that cul-de-sac.

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

So, I guess it was on the way to Holly Otto's house after all.

Montgomery Q has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

I remember it was on the same street as the Sure-Can-Stop-Sign.

I still have never stopped there, as much as I try. That same corner is where I was running from curfew enforcers and got clotheslines by an actual clothesline strung between a tree and a house for some reason. Top speed is not the correct speed for hitting a taut clothesline in the mouth. My lip has not healed still (the little piece of meat where it connects to your gum is ripped).

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

I like the alert neighbor who is vigilant about stoppers at that sign. I would just glance at him and shrug. How am I supposed to be able to stop at a sure-can-stop sign?

Montgomery Q has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

Holly Otto made us walk for a few miles to here house so we could watch Little SHop of Horrors. I thought she was nifty for letting me hold her hand.

The movie was so retarded, but I liked being there with you and her, so I have mixed emotions about that memory. I dont even know why you brought it up.

Movies that people like but are in fact retarded:
Little Shop of Notdumb.
Grease
It's a Wonderful Life
Das Boot
Gran Torino
The Social Network
Donnie Darko
A Streetcar name NotDumb

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

I remember some things about that night.
1) Little Shop of Horrors and how much I hated it
2) Holly's perfume, Tabu, and how much I hated it
3) No hand-holding action for me. Hated it

If you do a google image search for Holly Otto, you won't see any pictures of Holly Otto, but you will see several pictures of prosthetics. Which is probably what you're after, anyway.

my word verification is refixeg. Once I scrambled an egg and then tried to refix it.

Montgomery Q has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

You know what else was retarded?

Neverending story. And I didn't even SEE that movie!

The word verification is dongra. That makes my dongra.

Joel has left a new comment on the post "Fear Not!":

I watched Neverending Story with my kids not too long ago. It was RN. It's a lot like Star Wars in that regard.

What was the name of the Chuck E Cheese like place that was there before Chuck E Cheese?

Plaster

Generally white. Kinda pasty and smooth. Not like socks, though.

I was not happy with these scores

A request

Enlarge to view the fine print at the top of this image.

Does anyone have a picture frame they could give me? I'm feeling kinda proud. Of 25 questions, I think I only missed 8, so I guess you could maybe imagine some flying colors about that.

Once me and Joel

rode our bikes to American Fork to see a girl named Christy that called me when I won a radio trivia contest because I knew who Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend was. We biked through Linden in exactly 5 minutes. I kept track on my jumbo watch.

Discerning Taste

When asked what websites the client likes (so we can get an idea of their taste when we're designing THEIR website) the client gave this sweet little honey:

http://www.donnadeesdesigns.com/


I hate it when people set the bar so high.

yellow and blue make green

Once I was at a convention for an MLM I was working for and an old guy with a long long beard got up there with his wife and talked aout how healthy the overpriced snake oil had made him. It was a little awkward because he talked about how active they were sexually, and they were in their 80s. At the end of his speech, he held up a ziploc bag of his doody that he had brought to show everyone how healthy his bowel movements are.

What does it mean?

This first video exudes a considerable amount of "WTC?" but watch until at least 2:15.



What does it mean, indeed. Is it very significant? Uh-uh.
And now we'll have a little more fun at the pot-head's expense...

Today I'm

:)

what just happened.

This morning I was drinking some beverage and someone threw a dart in it.

Test Your Low Quality Knowledge

QUESTION 1

As you may know, Paul studied music at the U of BY.
For 5 points, what is the circumference of his head?

A. Huge
B. Proportional
C. any bigger and it would require support pillars


QUESTION 2

In 1990, Joel and Paul found themselves in a Las Vegas hotel room, dueling with their streams of urine.
For 5 points, what was the consequence of crossing the proton pack beams in Ghostbusters?

A. Total protonic reversal.
B. Messy
C. Special


QUESTION 3

Joel one time dated some girls that were weird, like Stephanie or that blond chick that was I think at the Paramount.
For 5 points, name the store where I saw that blond chick and said "hey".
a) Target
b) Toilet Store
c) Other


QUESTION 4

The Low Quality Fan Blog has the highest membership in the NFL.
For 5 points, Orson Scott Cards' novel Ender's Game can best be described as:

A. not as good as his Friend article "Bicicleta"
B. a "grade Z, made-for-television, science-fiction-rip off movie"
C. An instant classic that needs to be made a movie soon.


QUESTION 5
How does the Low Quality blog recommend you find out if you like camping?

A. Go camping. If you feel like you want to be there, then you do.
B. Ask Delores.
C. Live with Dugald in his camper for 2 weeks.


QUESTION 6
Paul designed a new Cornhuskers logo for a Nebraska Team.
For 5 points, that Nasal Cleaning Pot is:

A. Irrigational
B. "Yah they look way wrong. But the guys I work with bought one to pplay with, and now they likey?? BOYS "
C. Functional.


QUESTION 7
Carrie once used 23 exclamation points to emphasize that Christmas is in 57 days.
For 5 points, what does Albertson's have for sale?

A. Passion Fruit flavor Yoplait
B. maybe not toast
C. the ingredients for toast


QUESTION 9
Coopers Brewery is Australia’s sole remaining family-owned brewery, now in its fourth generation. For 5 points, how long has Laura F. Australia been waiting for a response from me to her Facebook Friend Request?

A. Nigh on 2 years
B. Since Facebook was invented by Satan.
C. Can I have some toast?


QUESTION 10
The second-generation Honda Pilot's four-wheel drive system enables it to wade through 19 inches of water. For 5 points, the CD currently playing in my Honda Pilot is:

A. a compilation of TBMG
B. Remember when I made that shirt that says TBMG?
C. Wonder whats on tv


QUESTION 11
The creators of Homestar Runner pay for everything through merchandise sales, which includes a line of T-shirts. For 5 points, if you stick your hand in a stream and push it a long, does it help very much?

A. It doesnt help conservation
B. Not sure
C. It does not help things out


QUESTION 12
Phiten necklaces are worn by elite athletes all over the world.
For 5 points, how many designers does it take to change a lightglobe?

A. 1
B. 1 designer but four days of production meetings
C. 2, one to do it and one to make the logo bigger.


QUESTION 13
$12 for chicken fingers and fries at Dalton's Restaurant.
For 5 points, I had a companion that was named Elder Dalton:

A. and I took a picture of him in the shower
B. And he co-wrote "Nephi was a Hero" with me
C. and he was deep-voiced
D. Large-lipped, too

Welcome to my new website

This request for a bag of flour by Mandi was fulfilled using a nearby bag of potato flakes. Sorry, Mandi, the flour is all in buckets.

Thank you for stopping by at my new website. It's called Joel takes a picture of stuff on his head by request.com. It's a phenomenal new idea in website technology where you ask me to take a picture of myself with a particular item atop my head. For instance, a jar of jam. (Disclaimer: I am not obligated to take a picture of myself with your request on my head. Some requests will be ignored so please don't ask me to take a picture of myself with jam on my head). Here's how it works: First you send me an item that you want me to place on my head immediately before taking my own picture. Include a self-addressed stamped envelope if you want the item back. Then I put it on my head and take a picture. Alternatively, you just tell me what you want me to take a picture of on top of my head and I find that or something similar and then I place it on my head and take a picture. It's fun, easy and all the rage. Tell all your friends about Joel takes a picture of stuff on his head by request.com today!

Attn: screenwriter readers

If you follow this blog and you also happen to be a screenwriter, I have some advice for you: Stop writing plots that occur in dreams and temporary alternate realities. These are annoying and dumb and if you are responsible for one, then I hate you. Watching an hour long television program where everything that occurs doesn't really occur is indescribably dumb. Stop it.

Always hand pencils eraser-first if you please

Sunday I went to choir. At one point I sang very loudly, and noticed I was the only man doing so. A guy said "Ladies only". The choir director stopped the song so everyone could laugh at me.

I asked for a pencil so I could write "Ladies only, you fool" on my music. A lady gave me one, sharp-end first, so it jabbed into the skin where my thumb meets my hand. I yelled the word "GHaaaighk" very loudly. The rest of choir was spent staunching the flow of blood from my hand.

Then I walked home with the guy that said "Ladies only" and he home-taught me.

I'm unable to think of anything more fun than my Sunday afternoon. Wait. I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

You're great

I like you. I really do. I keep thinking about that awesome thing you did and it always makes me smile. In order to commemorate my appreciation for you, I want to present you with a certificate of appreciation explaining both that I really, really like you and that I think you're great. All I need from you is a check for $30 to cover expenses. It is my strong desire to present you with this certificate of appreciation, so don't delay. Send me $50 now so I can present you with a prestigious certificate of appreciation which you can display proudly in your home or office. And at only $90 you know I'm sincere. Let me do this for you. It would be my pleasure and honor to provide you with this token of genuine appreciation.

Another new shirt.

The debate rages on

I'm making the newest shirt ever.

LQSD - Stolen Britches

Here to sate your craving for more Low Quality Song of the Day is a collaboration between Sasha and Joel. Enjoy and pertain.

Answers

While playing Trivial Pursuit Junior on Sunday with my children, I was asked this question:

If George Washington had a parrot, what would he name it? a)Polly; b)Molly; c)Holly;

In the parallel universe where Mr. Washington had a parrot, the Trivial Pursuit Junior researchers discovered the name of the parrot and delivered that information through the unimaginable dimensions into this universe and to their counterparts here who incorporated the question into the game along with its categorical answer. I'm sorry, but under no circumstances would two of those answers be correct. There is only one name for a parrot that George Washington didn't own, but might have.

Like a pink frosted hug

In addition to this RN "design" that some girl decided to put on a t-shirt, you'll also find on this blog a new playlist containing all the previously featured Low Quality Songs of the Day. It's over there on the right. Now when you are working on the computer and need some music for listens, browse over to Low Quality and start it up. The tracks just keep coming!

Democa

Need I say more?

Website Ideas™

One of my most favorite website is this one about designer clients. Every single case seems to have been lifted directly out of my cubicle and onto that site.

One of the awesome clients on this site wanted the designer to come up with a website that could make the client a lot of money. I, too want that kind of website, but I've gone one step further and come up with the ideas. Note that there is a TM (and there's another one, even bigger). This means that you cannot take the ideas that I have had and use them for your own profit. If you want to secure the patent and financing, I will go halvsies.

eGuineaPig.com
People that want a guinea pig but not the hassle sign up and I get them a guinea pig and take care of it. There's a web cam and people can tell me to make the thing wave to the owner or give it a carrot or shake it if it's sleeping.

Getmeoutofhere.com
People text or email me and within 10 seconds, a text goes to their phone that says "Your baby is dying. Get to the hospital." This would be useful for people that are in a boring meeting or talking to my dad.

mykitchen.com
People send me pics of their kitchens, and I tell them what looks weird. Like maybe they have an asymetrical mutant sunflower hand-carved into the side of their cabinets.

Elbowbook.com
Like Facebook, but with elbows.

Iamfartingrightnow.com
People who are farting write in to a forum and we LOL and talk about how it feels and then maybe a post-fart wrap-up.

Thisguydied.com
People who know a guy that died have me go in and update their Facebook account along with all their online subscriptions and registrations. I use a team of hackers and sophisticated electronics to figure out their passwords and usernames.

Helpmeout.com
People that are on game shows text me the question and within 10 seconds the answer is texted back. The cost of the service is 15% of the earnings. Extra if it's they're on a show like the Newlywed Game, because how am I supposed to know where your first time you made whoopie was?

Goodlistener.com
Specifically designed for people that are in a relationship with the perfect soulmate, but need someone to listen to their problems and dreams that their mate doesn't have the time nor the desire for. They can email, chat or even call in to a toll-free line, and we pretend we are listening.

Whatsthatsmell.com
People write in and describe the smell and their location. Using GPS and a team of scientists, we tell them probably that probably Gary farted (or whatever).

Paulsinbedwaiting.com
People that are avoiding going to bed with their husband log in and are shown a list of 5 websites, blogs or online games perfectly matched to their mood, sense of humor, intelligence, and star sign. Websites guaranteed to entertain for at least 2 hours.

Converse Energy

From the Creative Brief:

THINGS THEY DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT IN THEIR LOGO

"No Hyphens: part of our message is to de-hyphenate America, one nation...

Red Neck Style Art, looking for more modern Obama Style look, or clean converse shoe "


Things I have learned from this brief:

• Obama is now a style, and a clean converse shoe is an example of that style.
• Hyphens somehow separate people (unless used in the word de-hyphenate)

Stop Pollution NOW

The largest threat to the environment isn't dumping toxic waste or building parking lots out of gold or cutting down redwoods, it's actually something much more insidious. Poo storage. It's the life energy of human civilization. Without poo storage our cities would go dark, our Imperial Walkers would stop trundling, our trains would fall onto their sides, and our huge criuselines would cease to howl their triumph into the night sky.

Don't believe me? Go look into the feces-ridden cages of my kid's gopher farms and tell me where we gonna put all that poo.

Luckily, as an environment-ist I have the power to save the environment resting in my own hands. Not literally resting in them, but I can do things myself to help preserve the environment. This is known as conversation. Conversion. Conservation. That's the one. To conserve means to "not use too much of" in the unwritten language of the Cherokee. For you and me that means making small sacrifices in our day-to-day lives in order to conversate resources for the planet. My sacrifice will consist of this: I can feed them less "real" food, and let them each sample an "artificial" food source known only to me as "another gopher's poo". They ought to be able to live off of that for a few weeks, right?

Here's how you at home can be environanally responsible:
• Instead of using water for your bath, why not use a hairbrush and a strong gust of wind?

• Don't burn all your girlfriend's loveletters individually. Make one gigantic pile and pile a lot of those environment-hating hairspray cans on it.

• If you see a volcano (the number-one cause of environmental pollution), call 911.

• Use your own urine to put out your home fires. Save up your urine in ziploc bags so you'll always be ready.

• When you're at the beach, don't kick sand in the face of the nerds. It creates particles in the air that contribute to pollution, and the tears from the nerd waste water.