Work

I'm really busy with work, so...

Blog style update

If you can't get enough of the new stylings changes that I made to the comments section of this blog then you will be interested to take another look at this post from ages past. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

3 reasons Neil Diamond is better than an evening with Joel

1) song writing "ability"
2) nose
3) geriatrics

Lamquen

Paul and Mandi. Nice shorts, Paul. Cute sombrero, Mandathon.

Knock Knock Joke

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Ramparts
Ramparts who?
Ram parts are on sale down at the butcher store for 20% off.

I'm

Remember that time when Dave Gahan said "I'm" during the video for "Never Let Me Down Again"? Good times.

Have you ever been tickled?

I mean really tickled. Like so hard that you belch the name "Andy"?

Ancient Secrets Nasal Cleaning Pot

How can mere words possibly do anything but detract from the message this image presents?

Baby Treatment Awareness

Today is "How to treat your baby awareness day." Some of you nomsbanes out there are unaware so now you can know.

Bucket List

I had this forwarded to me, so i thought it would be cool to fill it out and post it.

The Bucket List---- place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not. This is for your entire life.

(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X Caught a raccoon with your tongue
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Cleansed another man's genitals
( ) Went skydiving
( ) Killed more than one person not by accident
(X) Swam in the Ocean
(X) Been to Canada
( ) injured your thumb
(X) Used salad tongs on something stuck in your rectum
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Read a twilight book
( ) Went skiing with a monkey that just had chemotherapy
(X) Performed street tricks for cash
(X) Played a sport
( ) Blown bubbles
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) Stabbed in the heart with an actual working lightsaber
(X) Got excited about something
( ) Had your knees removed
( ) Laughed until milk and then 2 gallons of blood came out of your nose, so you went unconscious and was in a coma for 3 months.
(X) Wrote a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Had intercourse with an actual superhero
( ) Got tattooed by a drunk lesbian
(X) Been on TV
(X) Was expelled from a birth canal in AMerican Fork
(X) Eaten cereal

Looks like I still have some livin' to do.

Why I Like Some Cereals

1) Sometimes they're not Cheerios

2) they taste good

3) Sometimes they're the puffed rice kind like Sugar Smacks

11) You can read the box while you eat

craig) I like pancakes better

Band Meeting

Jemaine: I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.
Murray: Well, what if you actually had another gig?
Jemaine: Well, then I would.

Halloween

Is only 4 days away! Isn't that noteworthy?

Vacation

I'm in this cool place after several occurrences. Interesting things have happened. Today we're doing something very fun. It was really funny when this funny thing happened. Wish you were here!

No more low quality

Hopefully you have all learned your lesson.

Constellations in the sky tonight

Orion and the big dipper are a shoe in for my guess as to which constellations will be visible in tonight's sky. To beat the band.

Things I like (or at least things I don't mind)

Onion rolls
Post-it notes
Thumb screws
Indiana
some other stuff

Hiccups

I get the hiccups sometimes. I have them right now. I have had them for about 30 minutes. Your remedy doesn't work on me so stop telling it right now.

37 days

Only 37 days until that event that happens 37 days from now. I'm so excited!

Lugubre (Part 2)

This post is also not entitled "Proof"

Mad Lib

Here is a fun mad lib you can do with your friends:

You are a     (noun)    .

Listen

At the insistence of others this song is now available for hearing directly on this page!

Exciting news

A low quality related blog post has made its way onto my high quality blog. I'd say more but...

PETA = Brains

How could a message with such obvious good intentions possibly be construed negatively?

You've been thinking that PETA doesn't make a lot of sense - that their hairbrained ideas will never amount to anything. You thought it was silly when they asked the city of Fishkill (the root word "kill" means "creek" in Dutch), New York to change their name to avoid the suggestion of cruelty to fish. Should Hamburg, NY change its name to Veggieburg, NY? No, PETA, no. Is their video game campaign bound to be a phenomenal success? It stands to reason that maybe. Just when you had given up hope in PETA ever making sense, they redeem themselves with a suggestion to Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream that they use human breast milk instead of cows milk in their ice cream.

PETA: People who Eschew Thinking Altogether.

It's about time

Finally, some people have come to their senses and have determined to begin training for-reals-live Jedi Knights. I was afraid that the fact that the ideas behind The Force and Jedi Powers are fictional would prevent someone from instituting a training facility whose purpose is to teach these abilities. My fears are unfounded and sanity strikes a shining ray of hope through the thick cloud of reason and intelligence.

Gum Pile

Here is my gum pile. I can't wait to see how you nitpickers tear this post apart.

Sherri's Addiction

Many years ago a regular reader of this blog tried to make me believe that Carmex is addictive. Studies were cited and claims about the ingredients were made. To these assertions I nodded my head and said "I know."

Bingo!

I found something equally as gay as Twilight

The 4th thing thats gayer, however still eludes me.

Is this the face you do?

I recently started using a sample of anti-perspirant that came in the mail and so daily I am faced with the image you see to the left. It occurs to me that the word "clinical" in this context has no meaning whatsoever. Its purpose is to attempt to make me believe there is something scientific about the way this particular anti-perspirant works, as opposed to the other, non-scientific anti-perspirants.

Fonts That Deserve Crotchpunching

I think that this wordpile is correct, except for they should replace Dolphin with Comic Sans. I don't see Dolphin that much, but I see Comic Sans used so often, that if Comic Sans were a zombie, I'd have to carry around a cricket bat!

That was a very low quality analogy.

The next movie poster designer that uses Trajan gets a punch to the crotch.

On another more important note: Watchmen=awesome. If you want to see a VietCong dude get asploded by a dude with the ultimate superpower, then go watch thistrailer. You can send your thank yous directly to the comment section of this site.

Arm pain = 4 hours in a hospital

There was a huge grassy hill in a provo park where we were picnicking. And we had some skateboards. So we went down and climbed back up the hill. I did it a couple of times.

Then when I was climbing a hill my left arm started hurting. And it kept getting worse. Right...NOW is the most exciting part of this story. After this it loses steam.

I called Dorothy the nurse and she strongly recommended going into the ER and spending $100 copayment and being hooked up to machines for several hours while they poked my arm and taped wires to me and put oxygen into my nostrils. I agreed that was the best solution. As the triage nurse was interviewing me, my chest started hurting and I got scared. That went away, though.

At two am they sent me home with a prescription of one bottle of warm breast milk and a binky. I feel thankful that I could have that experience and not feel stupid. I'm fine. The doctor and Dorothy disagree about the EKG. It's probably nothing. My mom stayed with me the whole time. She's nice. If you get the impression that she's not an awesome mom from Mandi's blog, well then think again.

Mandi said this has happened before, and I had a bruising of some heart tissue when I danced too hard at an Oingo Boingo concert. I agree that sounds like me, but I have no recollection of this. Do you, Joel?

Mister Quickly, on the other hand, offers the most entertaining reviews I have read on Amazon.

Enjoy these select reviews at your leisure:

• Goya Codfish Batter
• I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence
• Perfume cubes
• Another book
  

Worlds Best Amazon Review

This brain for brains bought a watch battery at Amazon and did not like what he got, so he posted a one-star review. HA!

Edit:
In case Amazon ever deletes this review or it goes AWOL for some other reason, here is a screenshot:

Bizcocholante!

New Cornhuskers Logo

I'm off to Ohio

I'm going to Ohio. Do not worry. I will say hello to everyone that each of you knows there for you.

I saw Hulk on friday.

He was big. I liked it when he smashed things. One time he ripped a police car into two pieces and used them as gloves to beat up a dude. Here is my rendition of that event. 

My lawn needs mowed

These are good

Low Quality

I once met a guy named Weeyum. Yes, Weeyum.

PS: If you read this and thought, "Yeah, Joel, people across the world have odd names. Get used to it." then you misunderstood because this guy was not from abroad.

I took my moustache on Thomas the Tank Engine.

We had a good time. He hooted and hollered and waved at the people. And petted some horses. Oliver came too.

Two for one

I wrote an awesome Caller ID program that, in addition to other awesome things that it does, reads the name of the caller to me. Here is a sample of what it says when I get a call from a telemarketer. (The name on the caller id is the phone number they are calling from)

When Paul calls me, this is what I hear.

Watermelon is pretty good.

Memorial

It's the weekend. Who's going out of town? Bah, I don't really care.

Heartburn...

...is like a kick in the yogurt. It's squishy, but the live cultures are beneficial.

Title

Albertson's has Passion Fruit flavor Yoplait. And toast. Well, maybe not toast, but at least the ingredients for toast. Yoplait is French for yogurt. And Bonquet is French for blanket.

Joke: Why are firemen so depressed?

Because their wife left them. 

Without a point of reference, we are three things.

I bought Rock Band. Now I just need an Xbox 360. 

Twice

Nope. Not proof.

Lugubre

My next post may be entitled "Proof"

Allow me to explain

Joel owns a Wii. There's a contest at my work for a free one. Freedom is what Iron Man fought for. Iron Man lost his entire bottom half once when he was a zombie. Rob Zombie has never been on Dancing With The Stars. Stars will be in my eyes when I go see Miley Cyrus. My eyes have seen the glory. Gloria is the name of the guy's wife on that one TMBG recording. Wife Swap was just on, and I was watching it, unfortunately. I went to one swap meet that was held in a drive-in movie place in Springville. We're watching a movie called Tsitsong (not the real name) about an gangster in africa that carjacks a car and finds a baby. I played pool with a black guy that I called "Africa" the entire time. Time is the name of ELO's best album, and if you don't agree, I will fight you. A dude that I fought in high school was at my kids concert. Now do you understand?

12 sided die roll...

8

Hulk smash

One time Hulk bit off SIlver Surfer's head and it gave him the ability to fly. 

Inspiration

This post is not about whether you like Shrek or not. I don't give a flying lamquen. This post is about how poor this billboard is that I see every time I drive north. Believe in yourself. Just like that fictional character Shrek did. If you follow his example, then you can see from the (fictional) movies the potential for greatness that is in you. While you're at it, be like Superman and be bulletproof unless kryptonite is nearby. See what you can accomplish?

Who needs a movie?

Sigh...

Gas prices.

Paul comes to MST Night

Is that a true story or not?

Its a new dawn of gloriousness

Hey everybody. Jopel finally uploaded the new BSGs which means I can download them. I'm really excited about that. So excited that I'm not going to correct the spelling of Jopel's name.

Soup

I rarely like soup. Tomato soup at lunch is good with a grilled cheese sandwich. I think that's the extent of my tolerance for soup.

Back to work

It's Monday.

I already posted a couple days ago

It was about Carrie and her emails about viruses. It was a laugh riot and pretty darn quality.

But my email posting doesnt work anymore.

Today I've been real busy. This week, too. TOnight Im making a brochure for my sister-in-law.

Final

This is my last post before I go on vacation.

An open letter to Sherri's Coworkers

Maybe I think YOU don't exist. Did you ever think of that?

Like this pilot, but better

We finally got our car. It's black, so his name is Mewfie. It's a Honda Pilot, and there is not even one cd permanently stuck in the player.

Purchase

On my way home from playing in SLC with Sherri, I purchased the Mika album. It comes with an extra track called Erase. I love this album. I am going to marry it.

Vacation

I am going on vacation on Saturday and I won't be back until the following Saturday. Where I go I have no computer availability so be prepared for a week of no Low Quality unless Paul takes up my slack or someone gives me a laptop.

Only 14 hours left

to change the world. Cast your vote for Joel's tongue depressing abilities now!

E-mail posting isnt working

So I guess I'll have to post the old-fashioned way.

I earned $600 by crawling through 3-ft-deep duck poo . I didn't get sick this year. I think cause I kept my head up.

It looks like a bright warm sunny day, but that is false.

Sell out

Caving in to pressure from the fans and the people with the money, I have recorded Mandi's low quality song,

Battlestar Galactinice

Hey Joel, do you have season 4's first episode yet? What's the holdup?

Ability

I can write computer programs. I can ride a bicycle. I can whistle and blow bubbles in gum. I cannot invent tunes.

Wet

If you are wet and outside and it's cold it feels even colder than if you were dry. This is also the principle behind sweat.

Breakfast (Part 2)

I took Haylee to Burjer [sic] King for breakfast today. We talked
about her retarded drama teacher.

Happy 4/4

It's April 4th!  Additionally, it's Friday.

If you think IronMan doesnt stand for freedom, think again.

Overages

Hey, that was a good song. i liked the lyrics and it erases all bad feelings from yesterday.

This is ironman. If he was here, I would hug him.

93 Salamanders

Emma and I were able to lure 93 salamanders into her dungeon in Dungeon Keeper 2 last night.

Posting

We're going to have a gold car. Man, this is a low-quality posting.

Breakfast

I had a muffin for breakfast. Unusual, huh? I usually don't eat breakfast.

Car Purchase (almost)

Today instead of telling a story at the library like I was signed up to do, I went to Bountiful to look for a car. Bountiful is far away, but there was a good shakemaking restaurant there. I test drove 3 cars. I drove home in my old car. That makes me sad.

I saw a bird

Today I saw a bird.  It was in the road.  As I drove past it, it flew up into the air and lighted on the neighbor's roof.